July 11th, 2010 | 
Author: I’m upset. So, what do I do when I’m upset? I write. I don’t know where this will go but I’ll write until the tears stop.
Cancer took another friend tonight. At 5:30 PM cancer stole Carol from us. Carol has fought hard beside me for over 2 yrs. We had a pact, whoever was left would not mourn. I’m sorry Carol, the deal is off! Oh how I mourn. Not for Carol, I know she’s fine. Singing with the angels, playing a game of chess with my dad. (she promised to let him win one). I mourn for myself. I shall miss her so much. Because I’m stuck in this damn clean room I was not allowed to be with her during her final moments. I’m angry about those moments being stolen from us! Let me tell you about Carol.
I met Carol soon after my diagnosis. We met in the chemo room, she was in the recliner next to mine. I remember her laugh, it angered me. I could not believe that she was getting chemo and laughing so hard! How dare she! The nerve of some people! I said something to her about it, I can’t even remember what I said but I remember her answer to me, “Oh for Pete’s sake girl, lighten up or you’ll never get through this crap.” That was all it took. We’ve been friends ever since. Carol taught me not to be afraid of cancer but to get mad at IT. She taught me the ropes, get mad at IT not the doctors. Get mad at IT not myself. I am still here because of Carol, and now she is gone.
Carol was supposed to make it, she had already beat this enemy to a pulp. She was in “remission” ( I HATE that word), she still spent time with me during my chemo. Together we’d laugh so loud we were always being shushed. 8 months ago her enemy returned, bigger, badder and meaner than ever. Her fiance left when he found out, good riddance loser!
The two of us would talk, sometimes all night on the phone during the bad spots. I loved her. She was funny, sassy, beautiful and she, like I, allowed God to carry the load when it got too heavy. We had many “what if” conversations, nothing that I would ever share but the memory of those conversations will stay with me forever.
Just last week I had a really rough time over something with my mom, it was Carol that talked me down. When Mike hits the wall it’s always Carol that leads him around the corner. She will be greatly missed!
Carol didn’t have any family members left, at least not that stuck around. She didn’t let it get her down, she didn’t let anything get her down, well not often. We picked each other up when the need arose and the rest of the time we spent just having fun. I’ve never known anybody that enjoyed life as much as she did. She was the one that always made fun of me for spending so much time on Twitter. She never understood Twitter. I’m very thankful for my twitter family, she just couldn’t understand that so a lot of times when we were getting chemo she would spend the time making tweet noises, precious memories indeed.
I’ve known that her cancer was bad, for about 2 months she’s been battling hard and very weak. I didn’t see this coming, I should have I suppose but I didn’t. We have both been in pretty bad shape at times but we dig in and dig out. Not this time huh Carol?
What will I do now, without her? I will do the same as before. I will fight, but I will fight even harder. I will be fighting for both of us now! While Carol is singing with the angels I will be teaching cancer a lesson… Do not take my friends from me! I’m so sick of losing people to this terrible enemy, bring it cancer…You are going down! And I’ll do it with Carols help too!
I lied. I’m done writing but the tears are not done falling. I cry because I miss her. I smile because I know it’s her 1st day in Heaven and she has all the angels in stitches!
Later Gator
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I am so so so so sorry! Awww….this is so heartbreaking. I’m sure that part of you is glad that she is no longer suffering and in a better place, but a light went out when she passed away.
I watched my Mom die a slow torturous death due to breast cancer. The Dr’s messed her up when she was on the operating table, and broke her arm. She complained about it for a long time, and then her fingers starting turning black. Her arm became necrotic, and was amputated. A once active woman, a brilliant woman who was Mensa material, a consummate lady, who was secretary of three bowling leagues, she told me, “If they take my arm, then I will just lay down and die”. Six months later, weighing a scant 80 lbs, she did. I was relieved. Her suffering and anguish was over. For five long years, she battled the beast. She stayed positive, and we never discussed it, something I truly regret. We never “tied up loose ends”, or had any “talks” about anything. I was in total denial up until two days before she died.
I hate the beast. We have all lost someone we loved because of it. My cousin, Carol, head nurse at the famous New York Presbyterian Hospital, at 33, left three small children, breast cancer. My cousin, Michael, also 33, brain cancer. “For this, I gave up recreational drugs”? he once joked to his Doctor.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss, Tracy… Keep remembering her laugh, her smile, her humor, her strength, her friendship. “People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime”.
And you, young lady, we need you to “win one for the Gipper”.
I am sending you a big cyber hug! ((((((TRACYLYNN)))))))
By the way- I like chopped liver!
Hi My Friend.
I am home for a day. I can’t read pages like this from my Iphone. To many pop ups and drop downs. I got to save special places, like this, for when I get home.
Sometimes, IT, THE BEAST, takes people quickly, sometimes, it does not. You know this, I am sure. My cousin died very quickly, years ago. I was in Panama at the time. Anyway, he had headaches, then massive headaches, then somebody, small letters here, cause like everyone missed the boat on this, somebody, found a grapefruit size cancer behind his eye and into his brain. He died quickly, abrubtly, suddenly…. whatever you call it.
My brother in law David, whom I got very very close with in a very short time. Suffered immensly with back pain, I mean terribly. The ERs would kick him out as being a drug seeker. Finally, I said Dave, lets take you to the VA in Shreverport. We did. The cancer (small letters cuz it dont deserve big ones) was in his spine, then his bones, then his brain…. and two weeks later he was dead. He suffered before this, alone, in a hotel room, he was homeless. But, he was working, he was on his way up. Getting straightened out, swimming to shore. Getting his act together. He smiled some. Charolette you to make him supper and bring it to the hotel room.
I am reminesing. Not the point here. Some people suffer thru long battles, some dont…. Some are here to help others with there initial struggle, and carry them thru the journey. See the beginning of your story when you first met Carol.
Ok the point, your a smart girl, sassy, but smart. So here is the jist.
PASS IT ON
Love You Much my friend.
joe joe
I’m so sorry that damn beast took another good person and I’m so sorry that you have to go through the loss.
You are very lucky to have known her, she sounds like you actually. And she was very lucky to have you too.
I’m so angry that you are stuck in that room, but I know that it is important to help you fight the cancer, and if anyone will beat the snot out of it, it’s you! I know you can do it!
God Bless xo
Yeah I agree I’m tired of losing people I love to cancer too…so my dear friend you must win this battle. I hate what cancer does to our friends and our loved ones it’s an enemy I wish we all could defeat for once and for all. I’m so sorry about Carol but it’s obvious she fought this cancer with everything she had it’s just too bad it wasn’t enough!! Keep fighting Tracy I know you have been kicking your cancers butt…so just keep it up and don’t let it win! Love & Hugs, Patty (luv18wheels)