July 1st, 2010 | 
Author: Well I’ve decided to try to post to my blog from my phone, we’ll see if this works. I need to warn you that my mind is pretty wanderish ( is that a word?) today.
I went through with the bone marrow transplant. So far so good but it’s a long road ahead. Now all I can do is sit here in a “clean” room and wait for Bonnie’s marrow to find it’s way deep into my bones and start growing me an immune system. I can’t be exposed to anything because one little germ could kill me right now. That’s a scary thought but hey, with everything I’ve been through I refuse to be taken out by a germ so I am behaving myself. Mike is with me but he has to wear a gown and mask at all times and he’s either in or out, he can’t just come and go at will because he could carry germs into my room.
We’re not sure at this point how long my incarceration will last but they’re guessing it will be about 6-8 weeks, possibly longer but I can’t think that far ahead. For me it’s today, tomorrow will take care of itself.
I believe that Bonnie and I have begun the slow, painful journey to repair our relationship. Sadly, I don’t believe that we will ever be like other identical twins. We have had many long, private talks and I feel good about the direction we’re going in. That’s really all I can say because Bonnie gets upset when I mention her.
There is something on my mind that I would like to clear up so bear with me. A lot of wonderful people have been telling me how “courageous” I am. They tell me that there’s no way they could ever do what I’ve done. Let me be perfectly clear about this…I am not courageous. I crack jokes all the time because humor gets me through the tough spots. Courage has nothing to do with it. The truth is…I’m a big sissy on the inside. There..my secret is out. Some of the things that I’ve been through have scared me to the depth of my soul. It’s Faith that gets me to push myself into another operating room, or another procedure room, not courage. When people tell me how courageous I am it makes me feel like such a terrible fraud. That’s why I decided to write this.
We all have the “fight or flight” instinct in us. Believe me, many, many times I’ve wanted to choose “flight” but I know that God is on my side so I fight. Any one of you that’s reading this right now would do the same. You may not think so because some things are too horrible for our mind to even comprehend until that decision is put to us. The truth is, our mind is such a miraculous organ. It knows how much input the person can handle and what information should be sheltered until it’s time to bring it to the forefront.
If you don’t believe in God, but I sure hope you do, you would still be able to face whatever is presented to you because the “fight or flight” is instinctual in all humans and animals. When I think back over the years at all the medical procedures I’ve been through it’s overwhelming, even to me. But fortunately it only comes at you one at a time. You make one decision, have that done, hope it was the right decision and move on until the next one arrives.
Courage to me is:
The 19 year old boy/girl that puts on a grown mans uniform and goes to war with full knowledge that people will actually be shooting at him with the intent to kill him, but goes anyway. Courage is when that soldier speaks to his mom on the phone and doesn’t allow his voice to crack, when inside what he really wants to cry is “mommy I’m scared please make them send me home”.
Courage is standing up and speaking the truth when everyone else is sitting quietly with their eyes averted hoping the wrongs of this world will right themselves.
Courage is the 3 year old cancer patient that quietly and stoically allows the doctors and nurses to do extremely painful things to her when she doesn’t understand what’s happening.
Courage is the husband that stands tall beside his wife as cancer eats away her body and tells her everything is going to be fine, when inside he’s crying because he’s not sure his words are true.
Courage is loving your spouse, even when it’s not easy to do so.
So there you have it, my truth. I am stubborn, bullheaded, determined, opinionated, bossy and sometimes irreverent. I am not courageous.
Thank you all for all of the prayers, encouragement, and kind words. They have truly helped me get to where I am. It seems easier for me to lean on my twitter family at times and I appreciate all of you!
I have printed the card that Desiree started and all of you signed for me. One day I will actually sit down and read them all. So far I haven’t been able to get past the second page because the tears begin and I can no longer see to read. When people ask me why I’m so into Twitter, the answer is simple. Because my friends live there.
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Tracy, I am going to call shenanigans. OK, I was over in the gulf and yeah, scared shitless sometimes. but you have courage, tenacity, determination. You are the “Woman” people speak of when they say “when she wakes up in the morning and her feet hit the ground, satan say “SHIT, she’s awake”
All I can say is that I look up to you in so many ways and only wish I could have 1% of the strength you have.
Tomorrow i’m off to donate platelets and I’m going to ask what it takes to get on the marrow donor registry. I’ve heard it hurts like hell but after getting to know you, I shouldn’t be afraid of anything and I need to quit being a sissy lala and just go do it. Hopefully my platelets and marrow can help save someones life. All thanks to you Tracy. Much love coming from the west coast!
Well thanks for noticing Joe, at least someones paying attention! LOL
I believe you
I think you are stubborn
I have been thinking about you, and praying for you.
I have also been praying for Bonnie, and that the two of you become closer.
I’m relieved that you had the transplant, that it is over, and that your body becomes stronger to help you fight the cancer.
Faith really does help us get through the rough times, the fight or flight response that I have experienced before having an intrusive or painful procedure has beeen so intense sometimes that I have had panic attacks, but praying always calms me down and relaxes me. I can’t imagine how anyone without faith gets by in this life.
I doubt that you are a sissy,lol, but being afraid of the unknown is human and no one is brave and courageous all the time. When I admire you for your courage, I imagine that you have your moments when you aren’t, If you didn’t you’d be an alien or something,lol, but courage comes in all shapes and sizes and your size is one of them.
I love you girl, God Bless ♥
Tracy,
You are a soldier full of courage while you might not be fighting in Iraq you are fighting a private war against a world wide enemy. You give others so much inspiration and you are a hero to many. You make us realize how fortunate we are and not take everyday things for granted. I am really glad you have shared your story with us and that you and your sister are making some amends. Thank you for your encouragement and wisdom.
Prayers and hugs,
Jennifer
I had feared the worst for you for a while there. I
am so happy that your sister has helped you, and you had the bone marrow transplant. No matter what you and sis have been through, you are still “blood”.
I agree with everyone’s comments, yes, you ARE courageous! And an inspiration! A light would go out forever if you were to leave us, please stay!
I love reading your blogs, and I will join the others in prayer for your return to full health. God Bless you, Tracy Lynn!
Trace, God has filled you with much wisdom and understanding of His Word. And applying His Word is part of what gives us that immovable faith because it shows us that He is Truth and faithful. I am extremely happy about the relationship that has begun with you and Bonnie. I believe that the second birthed relationship will be the most cherished. It is said that God is not moved by situations but by faith alone. God knows your heart and you have diligently displayed your immovable faithfulness. Courage is a quality of spirit and you have the Spirit of God. This is why we see courage but your humbleness allows you to feel none within you and only recognize the courage in others. God has you! He always has, and always will and no one sees or knows this like you. In Christ we learn to “do it afraid”, “put-on” the things we know we should but don’t necessarily feel because we know it is God who determines the final outcome but not everyone dies to themselves in this area. A great many of us do not want to confront or cover up fear. Yet this is the ultimate display of not having faith in God. So we will say you are courageous in Christ and that you should accept. Every time I saw you bear The Fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, goodness, gentleness, kindness, self-control, patience, and faithfulness, all of Jesus’ character in the midst of continuous illness and not knowing if you would live or die, I would talk to God and say “now I know why we met so that I have someone to take heed of in case I’m lacking in the putting on areas.” We really have no clue what we’d do in a situation until that situation presents itself, even when we are a follower of Jesus Christ. The more fearless in Christ that we are, the more God will use us and it is pretty evident that He has big plans for you and we think we know in what area. In your own words you may be “stubborn, bullheaded, determined, opinionated, bossy and sometimes irreverent.” and we love all of you but like it or not, you are courageous but to make it where you accept it, you are courageous in Christ. God is well pleased.
Tracy, What a heartfelt message. I am just amazed at how many great points and messages were brought out in it. You have a wonderful outlook on life and I’m very proud to know you. I’m even sorrier that I haven’t gotten to know you earlier but we always have the future right?
Here’s to you girl!!!
Jim
ok sis thats just BS and you no it. you have more courage than anyone I ever met and dont let anyone tell you different you are my hero and I love you and you ARE going to beat this!
Love,
David
How beautifully written, and true. Yet your determination is admirable, as well as you family. I got “roped” into following you by my lovely wife Missa68. It has been a pleasure seeing you bounce back holding Mike’s hand in one and God’s in the other. I lost both my parent to cancer, so I’m behind you kicking its butt and teaching it who’s boss.
Dear Tracy:
You are so Courageous… I’m just going to say it because you said you are not but then Patricia said your are and I think so too!
All of us inspire someone else and hopefully we do it in a good way.
We have a lot of young heroes fighting for us right now who will be coming home with lots of problems that will change their lives forever.
We can start practicing now to stand up and speak out on injustices we have become complacent about in order to pave a clear path for them when they return.
We have a lot of things going on here that are unjust. We need to stick up for each other more often instead of sucking up like we have seen so much of this past year.
You have been such a big part of helping to get people fired up. You inspire many people because of your tenacity.
I know you are scared. We are scared to lose you but you have brought many sparkles to our lives.
Thank You for your dedication and inspiration you courageous courage giver.
Love
Desiree & Karma
What a heartfelt blog that was Tracy. You are courageous though..even if you don’t think so. I’ve seen people with a cancer diagnosis that give up before they even consider going through even a tiny amount of what you’ve gone through this past 2 years. Yeah I’m sure a lot of what you have been through scared you to your core…but you always manage to get through it all with such grace,faith….and yes humor. I agree those children that go through cancer treatments have one thing in common “COURAGE” they are just like our men and women in uniform fighting our wars everyday…they show such courage!