Tracy Lynn's Viewpoints

Archive for July 29th, 2010

I have been asked by many about my relationship with my mom and why I put up with it. This morning I was writing about it in an email when my computer crashed and I lost all of it. I suddenly felt that the time has come to share our story with the masses, so to speak. It’s not a pretty story but it is our story. This is in no way meant to bash my mother. She is who she is and I am who I am. Good, bad or indifferent, this is our story. As with all of my other posts, I don’t really know what, or how much I will share. I write until I hit “publish”, whatever is in my heart usually ends up in my posts.
My mother’s weight has fluctuated her entire adult life between 600 and 800 lbs. Most people would be uncomfortable at that weight but not mom, she’s always seemed quite happy being big. Of course it probably would have been more difficult if she didn’t have 16 kids running around doing all the house cleaning, laundry, shopping ect. She didn’t even have to brush her own teeth. I kid you not, mom had dentures so she would take them out and hand them to the closest person so we could go brush them for her. She gave up driving when the steering wheel started leaving black marks on the stomach area of her dresses. That wasn’t a big deal, she had plenty of kids that could drive.
My dad treated her like a princess. He loved her until the day he died. Which brings me to our current relationship. When dad was alive, even though he had Parkinson’s disease, dad took care of everything. All of us kids were on our own which left the two of them alone. Dad had a problem with falling so the doctors taught him to “fall safely”. He continued to do all housework, shopping, ect so mom didn’t have to do anything. I was always driving 4 hours to their house so that I could spend time with dad and do as much as I could to take some of the burden off of him. When dad was clearly dying he asked me to promise him that I would take care of mom. Foolishly I made the promise.
After we lost dad I continued to drive up there on weekends to see to it that mom had what she needed. Within 6 months of losing dad, mom had spent every penny of dads money buying stuff on ebay. Grandma died shortly after dad. Mom received a good chunk of money from grandmas will. She spent all of that on ebay too.
Finally it became apparent that mom just could not live by herself. That’s when Mike & I decided to hire a live in for her. Mom went through 10 live-ins within 5 months. Then one day she tried to move herself from the wheelchair to the toilet and she fell. The weight of her body crushed several vertebrae in her spine so the doctor said she had to move into the nursing home.

When she went into the nursing home they labeled her “Borderline personality disorder”. Just a nice way of saying “Mean”. My grandma (mom’s mom) was always more of a ‘mom’ to me and I miss her terribly. She raised 2 kids, a son and a daughter. My Uncle turned out great, I dearly love him. Grandma lost a daughter just before mom came along & it’s my theory that due to this mom was spoiled beyond belief. The problem is that mom has the ability to act like a normal, loving woman when she wants to. I think that’s why dad married her. Dad was a preacher so as a preachers wife there comes responsibilities. She could turn on the charm when needed then come home and beat some of us kids half to death. She never did it in front of dad though. I believe growing up that way is the reason for my love of books. I couldn’t wait to learn to read but mom always thought reading was bad, she only allowed us to read our school books. I remember from 1st grade on I would come home and sit in the closet with the door closed so I could read a book by flashlight. I just loved all the places those books took me!
When mom would catch me reading (quite often) she would beat me on the back with a belt until I bled, that way dad wouldn’t see the marks, then she would lock me in the basement inside the coal bin for the rest of the night. I finally got smart and started hiding a book & flashlight behind a loose brick in the coal bin. I didn’t mind being locked in as long as I could still read a book LOL.
I think that’s probably where the problem started with Bonnie (my twin). She was always doing things to please mom & if she found a book hidden in our room she would go running to mom with it. I despised her for that. As Bonnie’s reward for ‘squealing’ she got the dubious honor of picking out the belt for my punishment, she loved that!
I’m really not sure why none of us ever told dad what was happening behind his back. When I look back now I know that he would have stopped it immediately but as a child I couldn’t face telling him and causing him such pain. Occasionally mom would get a little wild in front of dad but he could always put a stop to it. She learned to wait until he was gone.
Mom has already lost 3 daughters to breast cancer. When I told her that I was just diagnosed with it her response…”May I have your diamond cross pendent now? I’m not sure Mike will let me have it after you’re gone”.
So that gives you a small glimpse into our lives. I, from day 1 have paid the $1500. a month for mom to live in the nursing home. I pay for her phone, cable, cell phone and anything else she wants. I do it because I can not, will not, break my promise to dad.
When I left home to marry Mike I took David with me. I couldn’t stand the thought of him remaining there with no protection. We never had kids of our own but David has been our “son”. He would love for me to cut all ties with mom too, but I can’t.
She’s recently been bugging me about what will happen if I die from this cancer. She is worried about who will pay her bills. Last night she had her friend drive her 4 hours to my house so she could make me sign a will that she had typed out. This will states that in the event of my death, Mike will continue to pay for her. Of course I refused to sign it, actually I refused to allow her into my house so Mike & David were trying to deal with her out in the driveway. When she saw that I wasn’t going to bend on this subject she called the police. The Sarge explained to mom that I do not have to allow her into my house and also her trying to force me into signing a will is against the law. It’s safe to say that mom was not a happy camper when she finally left.
At this point I would like to be selfish and just wash my hands of mom, let my siblings be responsible for her. That sounds easy enough, but it’s not. My dad was a good man. If he made a promise you could chisel it in stone. I cannot break the promise I made to him on his dying bed. That would be taking the easy way out and dad taught me better than that.
I do not know what the future holds for us. They say that age mellows people and I have held onto that fantasy for a very long time now. I would love to hear my mom tell me she loves me. I remember clearly the last time I heard her say those words. I was 10 yrs old and we were at a church picnic, mom had an audience so she gave me a hug and proclaimed her love for all of her beautiful children that God had entrusted to her care. I remember thinking, maybe she really does love us! But many decades later I still have not heard those words come out of her mouth.
For whatever reason, God chose her to be my mother. The Bible says I must honor her. The way I choose to honor mom is by making sure she is taken care of. I continue to end each conversation by saying “I love you mom” even though I know her response will be “Ya whatever”. For the most part since I’ve been sick, I just mail off the checks and keep the conversations to a minimum.
No, I can’t walk away from her. When I get to Heaven I will receive a huge hug from dad for what I’m doing now. That will make it all worth it.
And for the record mom, I know you read my blog…..You are my mother, I am your daughter, we are blood. Neither of us are perfect. I love you.