Tracy Lynn's Viewpoints

Archive for July 11th, 2010

I’m upset. So, what do I do when I’m upset? I write. I don’t know where this will go but I’ll write until the tears stop.

Cancer took another friend tonight. At 5:30 PM cancer stole Carol from us. Carol has fought hard beside me for over 2 yrs. We had a pact, whoever was left would not mourn. I’m sorry Carol, the deal is off! Oh how I mourn. Not for Carol, I know she’s fine. Singing with the angels, playing a game of chess with my dad. (she promised to let him win one). I mourn for myself. I shall miss her so much. Because I’m stuck in this damn clean room I was not allowed to be with her during her final moments. I’m angry about those moments being stolen from us! Let me tell you about Carol.

I met Carol soon after my diagnosis. We met in the chemo room, she was in the recliner next to mine. I remember her laugh, it angered me. I could not believe that she was getting chemo and laughing so hard! How dare she! The nerve of some people! I said something to her about it, I can’t even remember what I said but I remember her answer to me, “Oh for Pete’s sake girl, lighten up or you’ll never get through this crap.” That was all it took. We’ve been friends ever since. Carol taught me not to be afraid of cancer but to get mad at IT. She taught me the ropes, get mad at IT not the doctors. Get mad at IT not myself. I am still here because of Carol, and now she is gone.
Carol was supposed to make it, she had already beat this enemy to a pulp. She was in “remission” ( I HATE that word), she still spent time with me during my chemo. Together we’d laugh so loud we were always being shushed. 8 months ago her enemy returned, bigger, badder and meaner than ever. Her fiance left when he found out, good riddance loser!
The two of us would talk, sometimes all night on the phone during the bad spots. I loved her. She was funny, sassy, beautiful and she, like I, allowed God to carry the load when it got too heavy. We had many “what if” conversations, nothing that I would ever share but the memory of those conversations will stay with me forever.
Just last week I had a really rough time over something with my mom, it was Carol that talked me down. When Mike hits the wall it’s always Carol that leads him around the corner. She will be greatly missed!

Carol didn’t have any family members left, at least not that stuck around. She didn’t let it get her down, she didn’t let anything get her down, well not often. We picked each other up when the need arose and the rest of the time we spent just having fun. I’ve never known anybody that enjoyed life as much as she did. She was the one that always made fun of me for spending so much time on Twitter. She never understood Twitter. I’m very thankful for my twitter family, she just couldn’t understand that so a lot of times when we were getting chemo she would spend the time making tweet noises, precious memories indeed.

I’ve known that her cancer was bad, for about 2 months she’s been battling hard and very weak. I didn’t see this coming, I should have I suppose but I didn’t. We have both been in pretty bad shape at times but we dig in and dig out. Not this time huh Carol?
What will I do now, without her? I will do the same as before. I will fight, but I will fight even harder. I will be fighting for both of us now! While Carol is singing with the angels I will be teaching cancer a lesson… Do not take my friends from me! I’m so sick of losing people to this terrible enemy, bring it cancer…You are going down! And I’ll do it with Carols help too!

I lied. I’m done writing but the tears are not done falling. I cry because I miss her. I smile because I know it’s her 1st day in Heaven and she has all the angels in stitches!

Later Gator