Tracy Lynn's Viewpoints

Archive for July 1st, 2010

Well I’ve decided to try to post to my blog from my phone, we’ll see if this works. I need to warn you that my mind is pretty wanderish ( is that a word?) today.

I went through with the bone marrow transplant. So far so good but it’s a long road ahead. Now all I can do is sit here in a “clean” room and wait for Bonnie’s marrow to find it’s way deep into my bones and start growing me an immune system. I can’t be exposed to anything because one little germ could kill me right now. That’s a scary thought but hey, with everything I’ve been through I refuse to be taken out by a germ so I am behaving myself. Mike is with me but he has to wear a gown and mask at all times and he’s either in or out, he can’t just come and go at will because he could carry germs into my room.
We’re not sure at this point how long my incarceration will last but they’re guessing it will be about 6-8 weeks, possibly longer but I can’t think that far ahead. For me it’s today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

I believe that Bonnie and I have begun the slow, painful journey to repair our relationship. Sadly, I don’t believe that we will ever be like other identical twins. We have had many long, private talks and I feel good about the direction we’re going in. That’s really all I can say because Bonnie gets upset when I mention her.

There is something on my mind that I would like to clear up so bear with me. A lot of wonderful people have been telling me how “courageous” I am. They tell me that there’s no way they could ever do what I’ve done. Let me be perfectly clear about this…I am not courageous. I crack jokes all the time because humor gets me through the tough spots. Courage has nothing to do with it. The truth is…I’m a big sissy on the inside. There..my secret is out. Some of the things that I’ve been through have scared me to the depth of my soul. It’s Faith that gets me to push myself into another operating room, or another procedure room, not courage. When people tell me how courageous I am it makes me feel like such a terrible fraud. That’s why I decided to write this.
We all have the “fight or flight” instinct in us. Believe me, many, many times I’ve wanted to choose “flight” but I know that God is on my side so I fight. Any one of you that’s reading this right now would do the same. You may not think so because some things are too horrible for our mind to even comprehend until that decision is put to us. The truth is, our mind is such a miraculous organ. It knows how much input the person can handle and what information should be sheltered until it’s time to bring it to the forefront.
If you don’t believe in God, but I sure hope you do, you would still be able to face whatever is presented to you because the “fight or flight” is instinctual in all humans and animals. When I think back over the years at all the medical procedures I’ve been through it’s overwhelming, even to me. But fortunately it only comes at you one at a time. You make one decision, have that done, hope it was the right decision and move on until the next one arrives.

Courage to me is:
The 19 year old boy/girl that puts on a grown mans uniform and goes to war with full knowledge that people will actually be shooting at him with the intent to kill him, but goes anyway. Courage is when that soldier speaks to his mom on the phone and doesn’t allow his voice to crack, when inside what he really wants to cry is “mommy I’m scared please make them send me home”.
Courage is standing up and speaking the truth when everyone else is sitting quietly with their eyes averted hoping the wrongs of this world will right themselves.
Courage is the 3 year old cancer patient that quietly and stoically allows the doctors and nurses to do extremely painful things to her when she doesn’t understand what’s happening.
Courage is the husband that stands tall beside his wife as cancer eats away her body and tells her everything is going to be fine, when inside he’s crying because he’s not sure his words are true.
Courage is loving your spouse, even when it’s not easy to do so.

So there you have it, my truth. I am stubborn, bullheaded, determined, opinionated, bossy and sometimes irreverent. I am not courageous.
Thank you all for all of the prayers, encouragement, and kind words. They have truly helped me get to where I am. It seems easier for me to lean on my twitter family at times and I appreciate all of you!

I have printed the card that Desiree started and all of you signed for me. One day I will actually sit down and read them all. So far I haven’t been able to get past the second page because the tears begin and I can no longer see to read. When people ask me why I’m so into Twitter, the answer is simple. Because my friends live there.