Tracy Lynn's Viewpoints

Archive for June, 2010

Courage.

You’re a 19 year old kid.

You’re critically wounded and dying in the jungle somewhere in the Central Highlands of Viet Nam.

It’s November 11, 1967.

LZ (landing zone) X-ray.

Your unit is outnumbered 8-1 and the enemy fire is so intense, from 100 yards away, that your CO (commanding officer) has ordered the MedEvac helicopters to stop coming in.

You’re lying there, listening to the enemy machine guns and you know you’re not getting out.

Your family is half way around the world, 12,000 miles away, and you’ll never see them again.

As the world starts to fade in and out, you know this is the day.

Then – over the machine gun noise – you faintly hear that sound of a helicopter.

You look up to see a Huey coming in. But … It doesn’t seem real because no MedEvac markings are on it.

Captain Ed Freeman is coming in for you.

He’s not MedEvac so it’s not his job, but he heard the radio call and decided he’s flying his Huey down into the machine gun fire anyway.

Even after the MedEvacs were ordered
not to come. He’s coming anyway.

And he drops it in and sits there in the machine gun fire, as they load 3 of you at a time on board.

Then he flies you up and out through the gunfire to the doctors and nurses and safety.

And, he kept coming back!!13 More times!!
Until all the wounded were out. No one knew until the mission was over that the Captain had been hit 4 times in the legs and left arm.

He took 29 of you and your buddies out that day. Some would not have made it without the Captain and his Huey.

Medal of Honor Recipient, Captain Ed Freeman, United States Air Force, died last Wednesday at the age of 70, in Boise, Idaho .

May God Bless and Rest His Soul.

I bet you didn’t hear about this hero’s passing, but we’ve sure seen a whole bunch about Michael Jackson and Tiger Woods.

THANK YOU CPT. ED FREEMAN R.I.P
Shame on the American media!!!

I’m going to attempt to answer some of the questions I’ve received but that’s not as easy as it sounds. First problem is my twin does not want me blogging about her part in this. Since it’s my story I’ve decided to handle it like this. The doctor that is doing the tests on us called us “Identical Strangers”. I think the name fits so, from here on out my twin will be referred to as I.S.
Yes it’s true. I have once again folded and I am going through the testing process to see about a bone marrow transplant from I.S. I have not made any decisions yet other than the testing. This is not easy for any of us. As I’ve stated many times before I feel like I have run my best cancer race but got disqualified at the finish line.
So, the next question I get is, why am I doing it. Umm, I don’t have a good explanation and if I write my thoughts on this it probably wouldn’t make sense to anybody anyway. I know I have said, and still feel the final decision is mine and mine alone. Oh how I wish that was true. I know from watching other couples that are on this same journey that the decision effects the couple not just just patient. Mike has stood bravely at my side for so long, I guess it boils down to, I’m doing this for him. This is what you call do or die. Ha, guess that didn’t come out right. What I mean is, either this works or there’s nothing else to try so I will do another inning and he can rest assured that I tried it all.
As for I.S, she’s in it for kudos… here you go kiddo…kudos to you.
What saddens me about this process is, I had put my twin aside. I had forgiven her and we were leading separate lives. Now here we are again. I do not want to come to a place of hate, that’s just not a place I want to visit. But when I have to listen to her snide remarks about dad everyday now, well, I’ll be glad when this is over.
A woman that I have great respect for told me that this is the time for me to be selfish. I believe that to be true but I’m obviously not as strong as she is because I have folded, yet again.
We have another 3 tests to do then we wait for all to come back. I will make decisions as they come.
I told Mike that I really couldn’t stand the thought of them putting cells from I.S into me. He said, “you’re identical, her cells are your cells”. Touche
********************************************************************

UPDATE
OK, I tried to take a nap. I must have slept because I had a dream about dad. All I remember about the dream was dad saying, “You girls fix this, I am not your referee”. I woke up trembling. Dad used to say that every time me & I.S had an argument, which was just about everyday of our lives. One of us would run to dad and the answer was always the same. Now he’s saying it in my dreams?!
So, am I over thinking this, am I not thinking hard enough? I’m so confused. “Fixing this” should be easy but it’s not. Looks like I have more soul searching to do.

To the thousands of Michael Behenna supporters:
The New York Times recently reported (see link below) that the US military has initiated a policy to “reintegrate” imprisoned Taliban fighters to their Afghan communities. These Taliban fighters were caught with evidence that they had killed our soldiers, but are released to their families in an active war zone with merely a ‘pledge’ that they will not return to the Taliban. This appears to be the latest attempt to win the hearts and minds of our enemies and taking the ‘catch and release policy’ to a whole new level.

This brings us to Michael’s case. Michael has been incarcerated by the Army for over a year now. We have asked at every level that Michael’s constitutional right to a fair trial be granted so that all the evidence is disclosed to the jury. Doesn’t seem too much to ask for an American citizen who fought for his country does it? Yet Michael’s request for a new trial has been stranded. The Army seems to be in no hurry to have Michael’s case in front of the Army Court of Appeals as they have yet to file their response to Michael’s brief which was filed back in December 2009.

There is a double standard in play here where enemy combatants are given mercy, but our soldiers/Marines are denied mercy. For example, Marine SGT Larry Hutchins whose conviction was overturned several weeks by the Navy Appellate Court is STILL IN CUSTODY while the Navy appeals the decision to the next appellate level.

During the past year we have come to know the families of the other soldiers/Marines who have been charged and convicted of ‘murder’ of Al-Qaeda or insurgents while in a combat zone. We have watched as these soldiers/Marines and their families prepare for clemency hearings before the military clemency boards. (The Armed Forces have a procedure, independent of the appellate process, where an incarcerated soldier/Marine can appear before a clemency board and ask for a reduction of his sentence, or if the individual has served at least 1/3 of his sentence they may request parole.) We have heard the hopelessness in the voices of the families when they learn that their son or husband will not receive ANY reduction in their sentence. It is difficult for these military families to know that based on a ‘solemn’ pledge Taliban fighters are released by the SAME US military leadership and allowed to return home to their families. What message does the US military send when we punish our own soldiers more harshly then we punish the combatants who have killed our brave men and women on the front lines of this war on terrorism?

Many of the soldiers/Marines I am speaking of, including our son, would never find themselves involved in the criminal justice system but for their combat experience. These soldiers/Marines do not have previous criminal histories, and their military records are replete with honorable service including purple hearts, bronze stars, and multiple deployments in defense of our country. Some of these soldiers fell victim to the military’s ‘catch and release’ policy that returns enemy combatants to the battlefield where they return to fight our soldiers time and time again. Yet others were protecting themselves or their men in a combat zone. Even if they made mistakes in judgment during war, should they be sentenced to 10-40 years while the enemy is totally forgiven? Why shouldn’t the SAME military leadership afford our combat soldiers/Marines a second chance!

If the US military will release Taliban fighters simply on a pledge by their families that they will not rejoin the Taliban then we ask the same for our troops. These soldiers/Marines are not a threat to our society and deserve to be home with their families. We ask that you the American public stand with us. Our request is that each of you vouch for these soldiers/Marines and demand that our military extend the same mercy to them as they did to the enemy combatants who are trying to kill our soldiers every day.

Please write a letter to your Senator, Congressman, and the Secretary of Defense and advise them that this double-standard will not be tolerated.

Bless you for your continued support,

Scott and Vicki Behenna

defendmichael.com

NY Times Article –
Diana West Article on releasing the Taliban –
Please use this link to find you Congressional Delegates:

Conressional Delegates

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates
1400 Defense Pentagon

Washington DC 20301-1400

This was sent by email from Michael’s Family. If you don’t know Michael’s story please see the post in my archives from March 2010. Thanks..Tracy Lynn

I was talking to Debra about dad’s Bibles and I thought it would be easier to post it here.

Dad had a favorite Bible, in fact he loved it so much that it literally fell apart. What does a man do when something falls apart? Duct tape of course. I kid you not! Here’s proof…


Now keep in mind, dad was a Southern Baptist Minister. He carried that Bible with him everywhere. We begged him to retire that Bible and carry one of several that we had bought for him. To no avail, that was the Bible of choice. I remember once we were in a Dentist office waiting room and dad pulled out that Bible and started reading. I was so embarrassed! I pleaded with him, “dad, PLEASE put that away, it makes us look like poor people” (which, by the way, we were but we had other Bibles).
Dad’s response to my embarrassment, “Baby girl, if the Word Of God embarrasses you then duct tape is not the problem, your problem needs to be solved on your knees”. End of conversation, he went right on reading.
This same conversation went on year after year. There was just no sense in arguing the point with him, that was his Bible and God did not care how it looked, He only cared that it was read.

Finally, in April 1970 (Yes I remember the year) dad shocked us all. He came out of his study that morning with one of the new Bibles in hand. No explanation, no discussion, from that day forward he carried a beautiful non duct taped Bible, The Bible in my previous post. The old Bible wasn’t mentioned again for 35 years. Toward the end of his life I asked him about the old Bible. He laughed and told me that he had decided to carry the new Bible because he never wanted to be an embarrassment to his children so he decided that one of the new Bibles would “work just as well as the old one”. We laughed together that day about that old Bible. That was also the day that he told me where the old Bible was hidden and that he wanted me to have it and the “tiny” Bible, as we called it. I’ll get to that one in a minute. I treasure those conversations, he died 3 weeks later.

As it turns out dad didn’t actually “retire” that old Bible. How do I know? Well, if you remember it was 1970 when he retired it. Here’s a picture I took today of dad’s retired Bible..

I don’t know if you’ll be able to read his writing in that picture but, some of his notes on that page are dated..1972 and 1974. I found pages that are even dated in the 90′s. So dad never did retire it, he just read it alone in his study. Oh how I wish I could go back to 1970 and do it over. I would have told dad to carry that ugly duct taped Bible in public with pride!

As for the “tiny Bible”. This one belonged to my great, great grandmother. It is very frail, as it should be. It was printed in 1880′s. My great grandfather carried it in his breast pocket during the war. My grandfather had it in his breast pocket during WWI, my dad had it in his breast pocket during WWII and Mike had it in his breast pocket in Vietnam. David wanted to carry it during the Gulf War but we decided it’s just too frail. Here’s a picture of “The Tiny Bible”

The tiny Bible only has The New Testament and Psalms but it has been well read. There are no notations in this one but on the last page everyone that carried it into battle wrote their name. I have it in a small leather pouch now to protect it because I carry it with me everyday in my battle with cancer. Sometimes I just hold it to my heart and feel the strength, not just that comes from God, but also that comes from the very brave soldiers that carried it next to their heart when they were in their battles.

So there you have it. The story of dad’s duct taped Bible.

Let me begin with a disclaimer. In an earlier post I promised my family that I would not post important health updates until after I tell them. Well, I tried, I did speak to some family members. I’m unable to reach them all tonight so here’s where I’ll insert my apology. I’m sorry that I can reach my friends easier than I can reach you. And besides, my friends don’t yell and tell me what an idiot I am when I update them. There, that’s my apology.

I will make an attempt at filtering this post but we all know when I start writing, words just seem to appear. So, as most of you know I went to my doctor this week and fired him. He misread a very simple WBC result. Sorry, at this point in the game if you’re not at the top of your game you’re on the bench. So I went to see my team in Chicago. They confirmed what we already suspected, the cancer is in my bones. Not shocking news. As I’ve stated before, I’m tired of fighting this. It feels like I ran a marathon and got disqualified at the finish line. I asked my doctor if I was his wife what would he tell her to do. Normally, doctors will not answer that question. This time I got an answer. He said, “If you were my wife I would say enough fighting”. I agree. End of story, I thought.
The rest of my team started discussing a possible “treatment”. I’m not going into details about it at this point other than to say it involves my identical twin sister Bonnie. Need I say more? I’m just not interested. Period. .

However, last night I was reading dad’s Bible as I always do when I need guidance. You have to understand, this is much more than a Bible to me. Dad wrote notes all over that Bible. He underlined verses, made notations, added his understanding of it, dated it. Sometimes there will be a note that he wrote 30 years ago with another note explaining what that verse means to him now. I was reading 1 Corinthians because I always take great comfort from that book. For some reason I flipped ahead a few pages, there was a note written by dad on the right side margin. Here’s a photo of that page…

I know it’s not a great picture, I’m holding it sideways for the picture. At the bottom of the picture you can see dad’s words, he wrote… “Face the past to become new”. hhhmmm, what are you trying to tell me dad? LOL. See, for mirror twins we couldn’t be more different. That’s all history, it’s the past. I’ve faced it and put it behind me. I’m ok with the fact that Bonnie will never be close to me. I do not hate her, I just decided after the last “problem” that we can live separate lives with no ill feelings and leave it at that. Or can we?

I’ve had to do some deep self exams in the past 48 hours. Mike and David are very angry with me because I flat out refused the new treatment. Somebody on Twitter (who shall remain nameless LOL) last night told me to get over my problems with my sister because this is my life we’re talking about. I thank you for that statement, (you know who you are). It made me dig deeper. Am I refusing treatment due to my relationship with Bonnie or am I refusing it because I do not want it? Answer, I do not want it. Reading that Tweet at roughly the same time I found dad’s note made me think. I get it, I think.

I thought that I had put the past behind me and it doesn’t bother me anymore. I think dad’s note made me realize that’s not true. I mean, I have put the past behind me BUT dad’s note says “face the past” hhmm upon reflection I realize the two are very different things. Unlike Mike and David, I am not willing to go running to Bonnie and ask her to do something very painful. Also, I believe that I have run my best race, it’s not about that. I think it’s time however, to face my past. I’m not sure where it will lead me but I know I’m ready to try. I believe time spent doing that will be much better for me than spending more time on surgeries, medicine, toxins, doctors, hospitals and hope. Where do I go from here? I have no idea. Oh, you wanted me to wrap this post up with a nice little bow didn’t you? LOL

I don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. I don’t know how receptive Bonnie will be to facing our past. I know that as of this moment I feel like I’ve completed the cancer race. Will I change my mind tomorrow? Who knows. I do know that whatever I decide, it will be my decision. I can no longer fight this for the benefit of others. I know how badly Mike is hurting. I have always, and will always, take his opinions into consideration but my decisions are mine alone now.

It’s funny how I can read or flip through dads Bible day after day, reading his notes at random but I swear, as many times as I have done that, I have never noticed this particular note of his even though it’s dated 1972. It’s as if dad guides me to the notes I need, when I need them. What a man that dad of mine was! (Is)

So I leave you here. With unanswered questions. I don’t have a play book. I’m just going with whatever feels right. Tonight this feels right. Now, I’m going to do as my good buddy Joe does, I’m going to publish this without proofreading it. It is what it is, right Joe? LOL

I DON’T KNOW WHO WROTE THIS, I WISH I DID. BUT IT SHOULD BE POSTED IN EVERY SCHOOL! TRUE WORDS!

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn’t care about your
Self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life.. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs..

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this -Thank a teacher!
If you can read this in English thank a Soldier!!!