Tracy Lynn's Viewpoints

I decided to write this post today, I will decide when I finish it whether to post it or keep it private. Right now I just need to get it out, so here goes…

I’ve been fighting cancer since October 2008, my post titled “Cancer is harder on the spouse” explains my battle thus far. Well, just when we thought we were winning the war, I found out this week that I have a new tumor. This time it’s in my brain. The doctor says that A * He doesn’t think he can get to it & B * If he could reach it he doesn’t believe I’m strong enough to survive another surgery.
Ok, so I thought long and hard about it and I have decided that at some point you have to know it’s the right time to stop fighting it. Actually that’s something I’ve thought about all along. Not in a negative way but just wondering, “Will I know when it’s time to stop? Will I be OK with admitting defeat?”, these questions and many more like them are always in the back of my mind I just don’t dwell on them.
Amazingly enough, when I heard the news it wasn’t like a house fell on me, it was more like, “Ya, I knew this day would come, now what is my next move”.
I decided, quite calmly and almost immediately, that it’s my time to stop fighting it. I’m at peace with my decision, I know it’s the right one. I wish that could be the end of this post, unfortunately it’s the beginning.
Mike, my wonderful husband, does not agree with my decision at all. He is not OK with it nor is he at peace with it. He is determined to find a way to save me. Although I asked him not to, today he made an appointment for me to go to a place 4 hours away to get another opinion. That’s why I decided to write and get my feelings out.
Bless his heart, I know that Mike’s heart is in the right place. I have thought many, many times what it would be like if our roles were reversed. The very thought of watching him go through Cancer petrifies me! I would never be OK with letting go of him so I do understand what he’s going through.
We have been together so long that I really don’t remember life before Mike. We’ve only been separated during his time in Vietnam. We together, make a whole. Although I have an identical twin, Mike is more like my twin. We finish each others sentences, we know what the other is thinking. In a room full of people we can communicate from opposite ends of the room with only a glance. That may sound cheesy but it’s true.
So my dilemma, do I follow my plan and let God figure it out, or do I go along with Mike’s plan so at the end he can feel like we did everything under the sun to save my life? When I think about the end I think some would be surprised about what I’m afraid of. Death does not scare me. My dad and my sisters are waiting for me, I’ll be fine. What scares me is leaving Mike alone. No, that terrifies me! The last thing in the world that I would want would be for Mike to be so grief stricken that he can’t move on. When we were “discussing” the appointment that he made for me without my permission, he told me that he could not live with the guilt if I die and he didn’t follow through with all the things that he thinks might help me. At first I was a little lot upset with him about that. I was thinking, how selfish of you! Writing this however, I’m not upset with him, I get it. I would move Heaven and Earth to save his life. Maybe it’s not about when I’m ready, maybe the end is not about me at all. Maybe I’m supposed to wait and allow those that love me the time to do what they need to do to get through this. Maybe I’m the selfish one in this story. I don’t have the answers as you can clearly see if you’re reading this, I’m really just “thinking” out loud.

Another concern I have is my dog Kylee. She’s an Akita. We rescued her. She was badly beaten her entire first 2 years, she spent at least one year tied to a tree. She had surgery to remove her ingrown collar when we got her. Of course she had never been trained, she knew no commands, only fear.  When I got her I tried to enroll her in obedience classes but nobody would take us because they are all stupid. They would tell me things like, “An abused Akita is a ticking time bomb, you should put her down”.  Well, anybody that knows me knows my reaction to that. Anyway, I trained Kylee from day one. Now she knows all the commands, sit, stay, rollover, pray, leave it, ect, ect. She’s a wonderful dog and I love her dearly. The problem is, she has the pack order wrong. In her mind it goes like this.. Mommy, Kylee, Daddy. She loves to play with Mike but when it comes to minding him she doesn’t think she has to. That’s because Mike is a softy, when he says, “Kylee come” it sounds like a question, to which her answer is, “No”. I have tried and tried to teach Mike how to use an authoritative voice with her but so far, no luck. I’m not sure but I think I’ve actually heard Kylee laugh at him sometimes when he gives here a command   I have a lot of work to do in order to be sure that they can stay together.

Well, as usual I jumped off topic there but these are the things that are on my mind today. I’m still not sure what I will end up doing but at the moment I’m leaning toward keeping the appointment for Mike’s sake. If that’s what he needs, then I guess that’s what I will do. At this point not many people even know about the new tumor. Mike and a few friends on Twitter know. I have not told my brother yet as he will also freak out. I guess that means that if I publish this I had better call him or he’ll find out by reading this. Hi David, Love ya

Truly, this whole dying thing is a new concept for Mike to wrap his brain around. All along he has believed that there will be a happy ending. I went along with allowing him to think that way, maybe that was wrong of me. Either way, the past can not be changed. He will have to find his own path to acceptance , maybe that path is through this new group of doctors. I just don’t know. Perhaps that’s what he needs. I know that Mike is mad at God right now and it’s my job to fix that. I cannot leave until he at least makes peace with God.  Time, such a small little word, Time.

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UPDATE:

I have decided to keep the appointment that Mike made for me. I will be going in Monday, March. 01. I have to do this for Mike. Also, A good friend on Twitter Justin, Sent me a youtube to watch last night. Although I have all along, had the “Never Stop Fighting” attitude, I seem to have lost it or misplaced it for a couple of days. Watching that video switched it back on for me. I will continue my battle. I will sound my battle cry as before, I will wage war until God tells me to stop. Video Justin Sent To Me

Now to be clear, that does not mean that I will walk into this appointment ready to agree to everything they say. It simply means that I will go in with an open mind, a cautious heart and a loving husband by my side.

To my family and friends, I do apologize for posting this yesterday before I told you about the new tumor. I’m sorry, that was not the right way to handle this. I think that I use this blog as a form of “therapy” if you will, I throw my thoughts and feelings on this computer and I really don’t think about people reading it or reacting to it. It always surprises me to see how many actually read my ramblings. I’m also sorry that I threw you all out of my house last night but come on really, I know you love me and I know you all meant well but when I looked around my over full living room and all I saw was a room full of crying, mourning people it freaked me out a little. It had the feeling of attending my own funeral. I know that wasn’t your intent but nothing has changed in that regard. The same rules still apply. If you feel the need to cry please do it at your house not mine. I have explained my feelings about that over and over from the beginning.  There’s nothing wrong with crying but I really do not want to be the one to comfort you right now, just know that I love and appreciate you all. My tears, when they come fall on Mike’s shoulder only. I cry, Mike comforts me, Mike cries, I comfort him. That’s the way it has always been, that’s the way it will always be. If that sounds harsh to you, I’m sorry, it’s not like you just met me, you’re family, you know how I feel. When the end does come I hope you will remember these words because Mike will need your strength to get him through, his job will not be to comfort you. I promise that I will let you all know what we find out before I post it on my blog but I must INSIST that we not have a repeat of last night, EVER. Thanks and I love you all.

To my online friends, thank you for your support and kind words, it truly does mean the world to me. I love reading the comments that you leave here, I read them over and over. I love my family but I draw strength from you. I have made some wonderful friends online, that’s not to take away from my “other” friends but it feels easier to lean on and be supported by my online friends. At least you don’t come to my house crying and eulogizing  me while I’m still alive

OK that’s it for now, I’m sure my phone will start ringing any minute

This morning Tiger Woods held a press conference to apologize for being unfaithful to his wife. Now can we move past this, Please? Here’s my opinion. Tiger cheated on his wife. Tiger did not cheat on me. What happens between a husband and wife is their business. It is not should not be an issue for America to fix. For 45 days people have talked almost nonstop about Tiger and his personal affairs (no pun intended). They’ve been spying on him and his family, speculating  about their future, gossiping about it. Stop it! Now you have heard an apology from Tigers lips, leave it alone. Tiger plays golf for a living. He does not sit on a throne. He did not cure cancer. He does not fix homelessness in America. He does not lead our Troops into war. He plays Golf, period.

If you found yourself shattered when the story of Tiger’s ‘misadventure’ hit the news, perhaps you need to reexamine your definition of a hero. If you try to turn a man, any man, into a God to be worshiped you will be disappointed every time. You should, by all means enjoy watching a great golfer who is at the top of his game. That’s why they have tournaments. However, the athletes that we admire are only human people. When the game is over they go home to their lives and so should you. I am not siding with or against Tiger Woods. Actually, I truly have no opinion on what he should do about his marriage. That is not my problem, nor is it my business.

I have a few ideas however for all the people that feel devastated about Tiger Woods. I suggest you put that time and energy into something that can make a difference. How about a 48 year old family man we’ll call Charlie. Charlie is married and has 5 adorable children. He has gone to work everyday of his adult life. Charlie works hard so he can provide for his family. He takes his lunch to work so he doesn’t “waste” money on himself by buying lunch everyday. Suddenly, and without notice, Charlies company closes it’s doors. Now he’s 48 and out of work. People don’t care about Charlies plight, after all, he’s just a “nobody”, let him fix his own problems. Our Government doesn’t care about Charlie because he’s just a number to them. So, Charlie loses his home and everything he has worked for. His entire family is homeless. Who’s going to hold a press conference for Charlie? Who is going to explain to his kids that they have no place to sleep, nothing to eat, that nobody cares about them because Tiger Woods is in a crisis and he IS somebody that needs and deserves all of Americas time and resources.

Or we could talk about Martha. She is 28 years old. She has a good job, nice Condo, enjoying life. Until she finds out that she has terminal cancer. She has insurance through her job but she still has to pay her share of all hospital and doctor bills. Martha has done everything that the doctors suggest which, as it turns out didn’t help her cancer but it did rack up a nice hefty bill of $388,000 that she is responsible for paying. Here’s the kicker. She doesn’t have that kind of money. She can’t pay it. Not a big deal you say because she’s going to die anyway. Well consider this, Martha is still alive and she is in horrendous pain. She can’t get pain meds from her doctor because he’s holding medicine hostage until his bill gets paid. I don’t see a press conference being held on Martha’s behalf.

Or here’s something you can add to your “worry list”. We have 115,000 Troops in Iraq.   31,639  US wounded through September 30, 2009, 20% of which are serious brain or spinal injuries. (Total excludes psychological injuries.) {via Deborah White, About.com Guide} This number is probably higher I’m using 2009 stats. Each and every one of those people have family members here at home that are worried sick about them every minute of every day. Their moms, dads, husbands, wives, children, listen and watch for any word of their loved one’s safety. They turn on the TV and what do they see? A press conference for a golfer.

In December we had a trucking company close it’s door without notice, shutting off the truckers fuel cards leaving hundreds of truckers stranded and alone. I certainly didn’t see a press conference for them. Every night we have OTR truckers out there driving around looking for a safe place to park their truck so they can get some much needed sleep. A lot of rest areas are closed. Truckers have been beaten even killed while trying to get some sleep. Many people are trying to get a law passed to insure safe parking for truckers,http://www.jhlrivenburg.com/  I don’t see a press conference for them either.

On Aug. 11, 2009 38 yr old Kristi Cornwell went for a walk near her home in Blairsville, GA. She was abducted and she is still missing. Her mother and friends are working feverishly to find Kristi and/or what happened to her. http://kristicornwell.com/ I don’t see a press conference being held for Kristi.

I’m just saying that America has many legitimate problems to worry about and fix. The personal life of a sports star or celebrity should not be at the top of that list. We need to learn to help our neighbor. Do you even know your neighbors name? Do you know what’s happening with your local Government? Do you know the name and stats of your local City Manager? Do you know what issues will be on the next voting ballet?  My guess is that more people can give details of a celebrities life than that of their local neighborhood issues. We need to change that.

I’m certainly not a Pollyanna, I know that one voice will not fix these problems. I just wish that more people would start getting involved in important issues and let the celebrities work on their own personal problems. Trust me, Celebrities and Athletes will be just fine without our help. If you enjoy watching them, by all means, watch them. Just remember that we have real issues in America that we can do something about as a whole.
If you made it all the way through this article, Thank you for reading it and please, take a look around you, give somebody a hand up. Even if it’s only a smile and a kind word.

I am a staunch supporter of Jason’s Law’ HR 2156 / S. 971 . In my opinion, DOT, FMCSA and all other departments dealing with transportation have been slacking off in the area of driver parking.
You make laws, rules, regulations, for everything that will put a dime in the pocket of someone higher up than the trucker yet when it comes to the trucker having a safe place to rest, oddly enough, you’re silent.
While you are sitting in a nice warm office in your cushy leather chair thinking up another regulation to complicate the life of a trucker the trucker is out there driving and driving and driving, trying to find a place to park the truck for the night. Someplace SAFE. Not an easy task when you’re at the top of your game, doing it at the end of your daily driving hours it just gets harder.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a driver say they were pulling off to park for the night only to find that there were no spaces left. This means that they have to continue driving to the next area, 50 miles? 70 miles? they must drive until they find a space to park. If they try to park in an empty lot they are run off, if they park on the side of the road, they are ticketed. However, all that driving to find a safe place to park is dangerous. It puts the trucker in harms way because he/she has been driving all day and is tired. It puts the driving public in danger because that’s a sleepy truck driver on our highways.
Jason’s Law should be a TOP priority. There’s just no way for you to convince me otherwise.
I will paraphrase an article I previously wrote about truckers…………
Let’s look at what the trucker does for us on a daily basis.
Take a look around you, what do you see that wasn’t made available to you because a trucker brought it in? Food in the kitchen, Trucker. Toiletries, clothes, furniture. If you’re eyes can see it a trucker had it on a truck at some point.
Look at the lovely vase you have sitting there. Oh, I see, you say that came in on a boat from China. Well, how did it get to the boat? How did it get from the boat to you? A Trucker!
All I’m saying is America runs on Truckers. We need to acknowledge that and give them the respect they deserve. Now, you will never hear a trucker say he wants you to respect him/her. They’re not like that. They just quietly go about their business. Meanwhile, their bodies are in great pain from spending so much time bouncing around in that truck. When I see a trucker I know that he/she is in pain, they don’t have to say a word but I know the pain is awful. That wont stop them from climbing back into that seat and getting the diapers delivered on time so you can buy them when you wake up from your nice comfy bed.
……………………..
Our American truckers NEED and DESERVE safe parking.They should be able to park their truck and get a good nights sleep knowing that they are in a safe location. This is so elementary that it boggles my mind to think that it’s now the year 2010 and our truckers are still not given what they need to do their job safely.
I leave you with this thought…
Tonight when you crawl into your warm, safe bed spend just 10 minutes thinking about a trucker. Imagine how tired that trucker is, how badly that trucker needs some sleep. Now, imagine him/her driving another hour or two to find a place to park the truck. Finally, our trucker has parked for the night. Now the worry begins, is there someone that’s going to cause problems while he’s sleeping? Is somebody going to break into his truck while he’s asleep, shoot him? Steal everything he owns? It’s a real possibility. It HAS happened, it WILL happen again. Now our trucker has to try to sleep with all of this on his mind, while he’s shivering from the cold thanks to the “No Idle” regulations that are in effect.
After you spend the 10 minutes thinking about this, go to sleep. Dream happy dreams. Wake up well rested. If you can sleep knowing what’s happening to these truckers every night of the year, you’re a better sleeper than I am.

I applaud and say THANK YOU to all of our American Truck Drivers. Our Government may not show you the respect that you have earned, but I certainly appreciate all of you!

I decided to write this, not to piss people off, although it will, but to tell you my viewpoint.
I see everybody opening their wallets to help Haiti, that’s a wonderful thing. We need to help them. Just as we needed help during 9/11 and Katrina. Not that we got the help we needed but that comes later.
My main gripe at the moment is this, Americans are throwing money to Haiti to help them while at the same time Americans are in desperate need of help right here at home.I know from experience that Americans have a very short memory. Soon Haiti will be pushed to the bottom of the news feed and the same people that are helping them will be closing their wallets. That’s where my problem with the whole “Help” thing comes in.
Since December when Arrow trucking destroyed the lives of some 1400 people there has been a group of us trying to help these truckers. Big promises of help were made. While we were busy trying to locate the missing drivers, people were pledging help in all directions. Problem is, some, not all, of the help never materialized.
What hurts my heart is that as I write this Americans are throwing money to Haiti while we still have truckers that have lost their homes, trucks, have nothing to eat in other words, they have lost everything.
Granted, it wasn’t an earthquake that caused this problem never the less these are Americans that are in desperate need of our help.
These are not lazy people that spend the day on the couch watching TV. They are truck drivers. People that bust their ass everyday to move supplies all over America. They put up with nasty bosses, nasty dock workers, nasty dispatchers nasty FMSCA and DOT workers ect.
They eat, sleep, and sometimes live in that truck. They are treated with disrespect on the road all day, everyday.
When you cut them off on the road because you’re in a hurry to get to Starbucks you are disrespecting them too. When you lay on the horn because you don’t think they’re going quite fast enough for you, you are disrespecting them.
Here’s a newsflash for you, the truckers know how to read a road better than anybody! If he/she see’s the road conditions deteriorating they are going to drive accordingly. That’s how the trucker lives to drive another day. You could learn some driving skills if you watched them instead of persecuting them.
Many have asked why I am so passionate about the truckers. I will answer although I think it’s a silly question.
I owned a 40′ MCI Coach. I fought like the dickens to get it road legal. Dealing with DOT and FMCSA is not a fun thing to do. They go to great lengths to make things difficult on you. I even had FMCSA in Lansing tell me when I asked why everyone else was getting their inspection done in 2 weeks and I was still waiting after 2 months, QUOTE “We’re not all that keen on woman being in this industry, deal with it”. Again, that’s a story for another time.
After I finally got through the maze and had my 54 passenger Coach on the road I ran into a lot of truckers out there. If you drive for a living you are going to have break downs, it comes with the territory. I have driven professionally my entire life, this was the first time the coach belonged to me so I didn’t have a garage to call and tell them to come and get me.
I can’t tell you how many times a trucker has helped me out. Most of the time without being asked. Truckers are a different bird. You respect them, they respect you. Problem in America is that most people don’t even try to show respect to a trucker. Let’s look at what the trucker does for us on a daily basis.
Take a look around you, what do you see that wasn’t made available to you because a trucker brought it in? Food in the kitchen, Trucker. Toiletries, clothes, furniture. If you’re eyes can see it a trucker had it on a truck at some point.
Look at the lovely vase you have sitting there. Oh, I see, you say that came in on a boat from China. Well, how did it get to the boat? How did it get from the boat to you? A Trucker!
All I’m saying is America runs on Truckers. We need to acknowledge that and give them the respect they deserve. Now, you will never hear a trucker say he wants you to respect him/her. They’re not like that. They just quietly go about their business. Meanwhile, their bodies are in great pain from spending so much time bouncing around in that truck. When I see a trucker I know that he/she is in pain, they don’t have to say a word but I know the pain is awful. That wont stop them from climbing back into that seat and getting the diapers delivered on time so you can buy them when you wake up from your nice comfy bed.
Anyway, back to helping. Please, do not put your wallet away when the news of Haiti dies down. Americans need you to continue helping.
3.5 million people, 39% of them children, currently experience homelessness every year. 60% of all new homeless cases are single mothers with children.
Yes, that’s fact, I looked it up and so should you. Don’t take my word for anything. You should always do your own research.
What about all the homeless, hungry children in America? Who’s helping them? I’ll tell you. There are people out there that make it their duty to help these people. They need our help too. In America children should not be going to sleep hungry! This is wrong.
We cannot depend on our President to do anything about the problem so we must help. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go off on how inferior I think Washington is, although I do.
This rant is not political. It is a cry for help. Ask yourself this question; How many paychecks are you away from being homeless? Scary thought isn’t it. They say for most, it’s 2 paychecks. And you know what, I’ll always be here fighting and begging for help for you also.
I don’t know how long I have left, none of us do. I do know that if there’s air in my lungs I will be screaming for help for those who need it, no matter who that is.
Please, I am begging you, do not put away your wallet. Help us help the truckers. Or, find a good charity that helps the homeless and hungry. They are out there.
Everyday I watch @hardlynormal on twitter, it’s inspiring but also heartbreaking to see the work he does everyday to help homeless people.
Take a look on Facebook at Arrow Trucking Volunteer Efforts. Read for yourself how many people are hurting because the idiot owner of Arrow decided to live lavishly and steal from the truckers. That’s right, I said steal. The problems have only just begun for these truckers. Arrow wasn’t paying child support, taxes, 401K’s. This will be a problem for a very long time.
Please, help these people. I will end for today. Tomorrow I will probably have more to say but it will always lead back to this… Americans need to help Americans too.

There were idiot “pretend” charities that came in like they were the Calvary collected money from well meaning people then they vanished along with the money. Now we are the ones scrambling to find $ to actually help these truckers. I have faith that God will get them in the end, unfortunately that doesn’t help the truckers now. Sad!

I thought I’d write about this subject in hopes of refocusing my mind. I’ve had a tough 13 hours or so since the incident I’m upset about so maybe writing about it will serve two purposes. First; I want to get it out of my system and move on, Second; Maybe I can help someone understand what it’s like from my side of the Cancer fence. The Incident…for those that don’t know, I am in the hospital again recovering from yet another surgery due to cancer. The Grammy’s were on last night. I watched them on TV while tweeting. I really enjoyed hearing all of the great singers so I got ‘a little’ loud. Not loud enough to be disruptive but I was having a good time. It was my 1st day out of ICU and I was happy. I ended up with 4 other patients in my room, we all were watching, singing, enjoying. Even some of the nurses would stop in from time to time to see who won or lost. As a cancer patient you learn to take enjoyment whenever, wherever it comes. For the entire evening I think that the 5 of us almost forgot we had cancer, it was great!
After the show ended the other patients returned to their rooms. I had laughed so much that my incision was bleeding a little so my nurse, we shall call her ‘Sue’, came in and changed my dressing ect. I was tweeting while she did this. When she finished she ‘suggested’ that I put away the laptop and go to sleep. I explained that I would do that shortly but I was still pretty wound up from the evening so I continued to tweet for awhile. Sue came back to my room about 10 minutes later and saw that I was still tweeting. She said nothing, just walked out of the room. It didn’t take long to find out that she had left my room to go call my husband, Mike. Now, here we are at the incident.
First of all, I am not 2 years old. I do not need you to call my ‘daddy’ to tattle on me. That, however, is not why it upset me so much.
For those of you that have never had cancer, or loved someone that had cancer, I want to direct this at you.
Cancer is harder on the healthy spouse than it is on the cancer patient. That’s true, I know this to be true. I have lost 3 sisters to cancer. Please reread that sentence until it sinks in. CANCER IS HARDER ON THE HEALTHY SPOUSE THAN IT IS ON THE CANCER PATIENT.
God Bless my husband, Mike. He is a wonderful man and the best husband a woman could ever want. We have been married 33 years and my heart still goes zing when I hear his car pull in the driveway. Mike likes to ‘fix’ things for me. I’m a pretty self sufficient person but I make a point of letting him ‘fix’ something every now and then. He loves it and I love that he loves it. Here’s the problem, Mike can’t ‘fix’ cancer. All of the love in the world can’t fix it and that tears him up. I’ve only seen him cry twice, once in 1978 when his dad died and again a couple of weeks ago when we learned that my cancer had spread again. To make you understand why I am so outraged over Sue’s actions let me explain what Mike has been through.
Since Oct. 11, 2008 I have had my, uterus, ovaries, both breasts, kidney, gall bladder and most of my stomach removed. Mike has been the one standing tall beside me through it all. He is my greatest cheerleader. He is my sounding board. He is my strength. He is my soft landing spot.
Mike has never wavered in his belief that I will beat this. At least not to me. When I started chemo the first time, Mike would wake up early to remove the clumps of hair from my pillow so that I wouldn’t see it when I woke up. He has been at every doctors appointment I’ve ever had. He has heard the words, he still believes.
When we go out in public and people stare at this 5’9″, 79 lb bald woman on his arm, he says to them, “Isn’t she beautiful”. That my friend is love.
When I accidentally found him crying a couple of weeks ago it shook my world. I just couldn’t erase the pain in his eyes. I spoke to his best friend, Tim, about it. Tim told me that Mike cries a lot, he just does it when he’s not around me. He doesn’t want to upset me.
Now we’re at the root of my issue with Sue. Mike had gone home last night because I told him I wanted to watch the Grammys as I do every year. I knew that he needed a break from all of this too. So he left, convinced that I would have a good night. This allowed him to have a much needed ‘guys night’.
When Mike received the call from Sue, of course it ruined his big night. Just as I need a break from reality every once in a while, Mike needs one even worse. Sue stole that away from him. Unforgivable!
The spouse of a cancer patient can never get away from it. Wherever he/she goes they are asked questions. “how’s she doing today”, “what did the latest test show”, “how is she holding up”, “what’s the next step”. Now granted these are all well meaning people. But just think about it. He can NEVER get away from it. The cancer patient meanwhile, normally doesn’t get any of the questions because people don’t want to make her feel bad, or think about being sick.
I know I’m sick. I’m OK with it. It’s OK for you to talk to me about it. I’m not going to end up in a heap on the floor if you happen to mention “my illness”. And believe me, I think I’ve heard it all from strangers. Once, in Meijers an old lady walked by us, stopped, turned around and said, “Geez, I’ve seen healthier looking people leave the concentration camps “. Mike started to get upset with her until I busted out in laughter, I couldn’t help it. OK, maybe she shouldn’t have been so honest with a stranger but the truth is, she was right and she had the balls to say it. So Mike and I stood there laughing like insane people until we gathered a crowd, then we left.
My point is this…Mike has been through hell. He still lives in hell. He cannot escape it right now. He cannot fix me.
For a nurse to call and ruin his one night with the guys is beyond my comprehension. Of course no matter how much I tried to make him understand that I was really OK, his night was ruined.
I have dealt with this situation today with the head of the hospital. It is over. It is however, not over in my heart. I can deal with surgeries, chemo, radiation, bring me your best, I’ll take it. I’m a fighter. I cannot take seeing the pain in Mike’s eyes. I cannot take knowing the pain in his heart. I HATE what cancer does to a spouse. Just as he wants to fix me and take away my pain, I want to do the same for him.
You see, I do have something to occupy my mind. I’m fighting a war. I use my mind to form the battle plan, I picture my cells at their battle stations. I’m the General, I’m busy. Mike can’t do anything but think about it. He can’t fight this battle for me. He can only stand beside me, strong, brave, loving, ready.
So, I leave you with this… If you are in the health care field, remember, the spouse is a human being. The spouse is hurting as much as, or more than the patient. Think.
If you know someone with cancer, do the spouse and the patient a favor. Remember that the patient is not cancer, the patient is a real, living person that just happens to have cancer. It’s OK to ask. But sometimes, just sometimes, when you see the spouse ask him/her how they are feeling. Ask them about the weather, ask them about sports. Anything. Just not cancer. They need a break too.
Thanks for listening, now I feel better.